My Testimony, Not Anyone Else's

There are days when I'm reminded of how God has blessed others around me. Because of this, I sometimes struggle with being content with my life, my journey, my lot. Why has God chosen to give others the things that my heart so desires? Is He being mean? Is He punishing me? Has He forgotten me?

These thoughts, that travel so selfishly through my head, are from no one but the devil himself. I believe that God chooses to give us our desires of the heart when He knows we are truly ready.

Psalm 139:1 says, "O LORD, you have searched me and known me!" He is my Creator and He knows me inside and out. He has laid His hand on me and knows my path. He has already decided how everyday of my life is to be lived. God knows what is best for me and knows exactly when I should be blessed with the desires of my heart.

In Proverbs 3:5, God says to me, "Trust me, trust me, just trust me, Jennifer! Don't lean on your own understanding, but trust me! I'm giving you YOUR testimony. Your own way of being able to share how I've blessed you, kept you, loved you. A way of revealing my glory through your life so that others can see my good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven!"

I am so thankful for the trials that God has allowed me to go through. James 1:2-4 has helped get me through so many of them. Reminding me that through the trials, I am growing in my faith. I've seen God work and move in ways that I can't explain. I would not know many attributes of God, had I not gone through my trials. I know God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). So, I will continue to seek Him through the waiting, knowing that He only wants what it best for me.

May God reveal His wonders and mighty ways through how He has chosen to give each of us our own testimony.

Jennifer

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD... ~Jeremiah 29:13-14a

"Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." ~Proverbs 3:7-8

As shared with my bible study friends...

It's so hard to live in the flesh. One thing that I have to tell myself DAILY is IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! Let me tell you that is hard to swallow some days. I want to be a mother more than ANYTHING and I just don't know, right now, why God has not blessed me with this desire. I do believe that He will give me that heart's desire...and today I'm one day closer.

I'm trying so hard to trust in the Lord and lean on His understanding for my life and not my own. Along this line, I'm also struggling with what my purpose is for this time in my life. I quit my job almost a year ago, thinking that I would have a baby to take care of by now, but I don't. I've often wondered why God chose to move us here...what is His purpose? All I know to do is say "I'm here, I'm ready, what do I need to do?"
One thing I do know, God does have a plan for me. I know this b/c His word says so and I believe this for me and for each one of you, my friends!

Doing Better Today

Last week, was not such a good week for me. My soul was very downcast. Lots of changes are happening within our family but not our adoption. I just sent an e-mail update to my cousin and thought I would share it with you too.

Here's an update...

We have actually only been waiting to get a baby, through adoption for a year. (We started the process in Sept. '08 and our profile was active on Feb. '09.) The agency told us 12-18 months for a bi-racial child. The reason why I get so upset is b/c when I get the courage to ask our social worker for an update, the update is always..."no activity" with our profile. (The profile is what the birth moms look at to choose who they want their baby to go to.) B/c of this, I feel like there is something wrong with me and David...like...we are too white or too fat or too tall or b/c David is bald, or we have a cat instead of a dog...etc, etc. I know that this thinking is all of the devil. That is what he wants me to think so that I stop praising and praying to God.

I have been praying specific things for our birth mom and about our baby. I truly believe that God is going to answer each of those prayers. I also have to keep reminding myself that all of this is not about me. And that is the HARDEST part!!! God has already chosen our baby, but I believe that He is waiting on the right time to give us that child b/c of things that will happen in the future. Believing these things is the only thing that helps me with the waiting, but sometimes my flesh fails me and I start thinking of what I want, not what God wants for me. Does that make sense?

We have been trying to have a baby, biologically, for about 6 years now. When we were going through all of those treatments, I had a strong feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant and started thinking about adoption. At that time, David was totally against it. He started thinking about all the Lifetime horror movies about adoption. It was sometime after that, that God changed David's heart. He revealed to David and reminded us that we too have been adopted...into God's family. That is when we began thinking that God was leading us towards adoption.

So many things have happened where God has revealed His sovereignty to us. This past summer, God laid it on my heart that it was time for me to stop working...to prepare for our baby. When I told David about this, he said, "ok," without hesitation. That blew me away b/c I just knew that he was going to say that I needed to keep working to save money. When I asked David about our finances, he told me that he had already calculated everything (on his little spreadsheet!) and that we would be fine. God had already prepared David for this conversation with me!

Anyway, after working in the music office, at the church, for 7 years, I quit to stay home to prepare for our baby. Since I have stopped working, David has received several bonuses that equal to what I would be making! That, my friend, was clarification that God wanted me home at this time.

Since I'm on a roll, I'll share a little more with you!

I had been home for about 4 months when I started getting depressed. Not b/c we didn't have our baby, but b/c I missed my friends at work. We live about 30 miles from our church and all of our friends live close to the church. So, I began to pray that God would allow me to meet new friends, local friends. Well, the very week, in Nov., that I began to pray, God answered my prayer. I was in Hobby Lobby. (David laughs when I tell this story b/c he says that I believe God calls me there quite often!) Anyway, I was in Hobby Lobby, in the wrapping paper isle, and happened to hear a lady speak to a man saying she had just seen his wife at Bible study. My ears perked up and my heart began to race. She slowly walked down the isle closer to me, our backs to each other. I felt God really nudging me to say something. (I am not comfortable with talking to people I don't know.) I finally got up the courage, turned around and asked her where she went to Bible study. With a sweet smile, she said, "Gardendale First Bapt." I was a little relieved b/c I had no clue where she was going to say. I began telling her a little of my background...that we had moved to G'dale about 2 years ago and that I was on staff at Hunter Street and now I was home and wanted to get involved in the community. She then told me that she grew up at the old Hunter Street. (HS relocated from downtown Birmingham to Hoover in the late 80's.) So, she started naming people that I knew. THEN, she started calling her friends who were shopping with her to come meet me. After they barricaded me (and that poor man shopping for Christmas paper!) they absolutely insisted that I come to Bible study that night. (They have a morning and night study.) I took their names and numbers and told them that I would do my best to be there. When I left the store, I had to call David and tell him all that had happened. He was excited for me and told me that I should go. I did end up going, but let me tell you, I started trying to talk myself out of it. I knew that I would not know a single person there and you know how some church studies can be, especially with ladies... When I got there I was put with a group of girls all about my age and you would have thought that they had known me forever. They accepted me in their group very graciously and at the end of the night they invited me to join them for the next semester. (That night was the last night for the study until the first of the year.) Well, God answered my prayer, I defeated my shyness and now have 7+ new friends that I get to meet with every Tues. night and talk about Jesus with.

So, all this to say...I'm doing pretty good, despite my selfishness to want what I want, now. (My sister would say it's b/c I'm the spoiled baby of the family!) God has called me to be at home now, but I don't think it is to prepare me to be a mommy. I think it's b/c He wants me to have this time to develop a closer, intimate, relationship with Him, to learn more about Him, to experience Him, to breathe Him, to taste Him, to feel Him, to see Him.

Thank you so much for praying for me and David. I guess the prayer that I need the most is that I'm content with where God has me right now. The future seems so far away, and I don't know God's timing, but a sweet friend told me to think of it this way... Today I am one day closer! So that is what I try to remember, I'm one day closer to meeting our baby!

Job - what an example!

This week I've been studying the book of Job. I must confess that it's not my favorite book to read. I think because of the "poeticness" of how it's written. I did, however, read EVERY chapter!

In the beginning of the story, Job had it all - tons of family and friends, wealth and loads of farm animals. But then without warning, it's all taken away. Why? We know, as readers, that God and Satan had worked out a deal, but Job and his friends go all around the world blabbing, trying to figure it out. God knew that Job would not sin against Him, but that doesn't mean that Job didn't become angry or frustrated. Job's friends and family thought they had the answers - saying that it must be his sin or something he had done... They seem to go on and on and on about what all Job must do to get things right and back to "normal" with God. They were trying to figure out the "why" of Job's affliction.

I feel I can somewhat relate to Job. I haven't had all the loss or any diseases that Job had, but I have gone through a phase in my life where I wondered "why?". Through my struggles with infertility, I too felt like Job. Just like Job, I had no warning. Just like Job, I had friends and family that suggested "how to fix it." Like- you must have done something (sin) that has caused this or you must not be reading the Bible enough or praying enough or even you must not be "doing" it right.

It was not until the very last chapters of Job (when God finally speaks up) that I got it. I can just see God listening to Job and his friends' conversations thinking "oh my goodness!" I love it when God finally speaks up and says, "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?" (Job 38:2) (BTW, after God speaks to them...they are silent!) How many times do we try to "figure things out" without seeking God's knowledge and considering that His ways are for a specific purpose? Job and his friends had drawn conclusions about why he had gone through all his afflictions without even thinking about the hidden knowledge and purpose of God.

I think Job finally got it too. He says, "I know that you (God) can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2) And then later on Job says, "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you..." (Job 42:5)

I would have never, ever asked to go through infertility. I believe Job would have never asked to go through all he did, but if he had not, then Job (nor I) would have ever "seen" or known God in such an intimate way.

Tears come to my eyes when I think about how Job found favor with God throughout this whole book. Even though Job was frustrated and angry, he never sinned against God. My ESV Study Bible makes reference to this by saying, "This is probably because Job never lost his earnest desire to appear before God, and his words are testimony to that." That makes me stop and examine myself. I can't say that through all my frustration and anger with God and others that I have not sinned, but I'm so very thankful that He forgives, gives mercy and loves me anyway!

In summary, I love what my study Bible says about the purpose of Job's story. "The book of Job reminds God's people that they have an enemy (Satan) who will denounce them, and, through the ignorance of Job's friends, it helps the faithful to remember at all times how small a part of any situation is the fragment that they see. This equips believers to trust and obey amid life's perplexities and it enables the faithful to support and encourage one another in a spirit of tenderness and humility." (ESV Study Bible)

Though I didn't choose infertility, I am thankful that God has shown Himself faithful and sovereign to me. I have learned to put my trust in Him, knowing that He has a plan and can see farther than I can even imagine. I am thankful for God's Word, which I have learned to lean on daily. I believe that He WILL bless me and David with a child. I don't know when, but I will continue to praise Him, trust Him and WAIT for Him, knowing that today I am one day closer!

What His Word reminds me...
Psalm 27:14
"WAIT for the LORD; be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD."

Psalm 130:5
"I WAIT for the LORD, my soul WAITS, and in his word I put my HOPE."

Romans 8:25
"But if we HOPE for what we do not yet have, we WAIT for it patiently."