Doing Better Today

Last week, was not such a good week for me. My soul was very downcast. Lots of changes are happening within our family but not our adoption. I just sent an e-mail update to my cousin and thought I would share it with you too.

Here's an update...

We have actually only been waiting to get a baby, through adoption for a year. (We started the process in Sept. '08 and our profile was active on Feb. '09.) The agency told us 12-18 months for a bi-racial child. The reason why I get so upset is b/c when I get the courage to ask our social worker for an update, the update is always..."no activity" with our profile. (The profile is what the birth moms look at to choose who they want their baby to go to.) B/c of this, I feel like there is something wrong with me and David...like...we are too white or too fat or too tall or b/c David is bald, or we have a cat instead of a dog...etc, etc. I know that this thinking is all of the devil. That is what he wants me to think so that I stop praising and praying to God.

I have been praying specific things for our birth mom and about our baby. I truly believe that God is going to answer each of those prayers. I also have to keep reminding myself that all of this is not about me. And that is the HARDEST part!!! God has already chosen our baby, but I believe that He is waiting on the right time to give us that child b/c of things that will happen in the future. Believing these things is the only thing that helps me with the waiting, but sometimes my flesh fails me and I start thinking of what I want, not what God wants for me. Does that make sense?

We have been trying to have a baby, biologically, for about 6 years now. When we were going through all of those treatments, I had a strong feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant and started thinking about adoption. At that time, David was totally against it. He started thinking about all the Lifetime horror movies about adoption. It was sometime after that, that God changed David's heart. He revealed to David and reminded us that we too have been adopted...into God's family. That is when we began thinking that God was leading us towards adoption.

So many things have happened where God has revealed His sovereignty to us. This past summer, God laid it on my heart that it was time for me to stop working...to prepare for our baby. When I told David about this, he said, "ok," without hesitation. That blew me away b/c I just knew that he was going to say that I needed to keep working to save money. When I asked David about our finances, he told me that he had already calculated everything (on his little spreadsheet!) and that we would be fine. God had already prepared David for this conversation with me!

Anyway, after working in the music office, at the church, for 7 years, I quit to stay home to prepare for our baby. Since I have stopped working, David has received several bonuses that equal to what I would be making! That, my friend, was clarification that God wanted me home at this time.

Since I'm on a roll, I'll share a little more with you!

I had been home for about 4 months when I started getting depressed. Not b/c we didn't have our baby, but b/c I missed my friends at work. We live about 30 miles from our church and all of our friends live close to the church. So, I began to pray that God would allow me to meet new friends, local friends. Well, the very week, in Nov., that I began to pray, God answered my prayer. I was in Hobby Lobby. (David laughs when I tell this story b/c he says that I believe God calls me there quite often!) Anyway, I was in Hobby Lobby, in the wrapping paper isle, and happened to hear a lady speak to a man saying she had just seen his wife at Bible study. My ears perked up and my heart began to race. She slowly walked down the isle closer to me, our backs to each other. I felt God really nudging me to say something. (I am not comfortable with talking to people I don't know.) I finally got up the courage, turned around and asked her where she went to Bible study. With a sweet smile, she said, "Gardendale First Bapt." I was a little relieved b/c I had no clue where she was going to say. I began telling her a little of my background...that we had moved to G'dale about 2 years ago and that I was on staff at Hunter Street and now I was home and wanted to get involved in the community. She then told me that she grew up at the old Hunter Street. (HS relocated from downtown Birmingham to Hoover in the late 80's.) So, she started naming people that I knew. THEN, she started calling her friends who were shopping with her to come meet me. After they barricaded me (and that poor man shopping for Christmas paper!) they absolutely insisted that I come to Bible study that night. (They have a morning and night study.) I took their names and numbers and told them that I would do my best to be there. When I left the store, I had to call David and tell him all that had happened. He was excited for me and told me that I should go. I did end up going, but let me tell you, I started trying to talk myself out of it. I knew that I would not know a single person there and you know how some church studies can be, especially with ladies... When I got there I was put with a group of girls all about my age and you would have thought that they had known me forever. They accepted me in their group very graciously and at the end of the night they invited me to join them for the next semester. (That night was the last night for the study until the first of the year.) Well, God answered my prayer, I defeated my shyness and now have 7+ new friends that I get to meet with every Tues. night and talk about Jesus with.

So, all this to say...I'm doing pretty good, despite my selfishness to want what I want, now. (My sister would say it's b/c I'm the spoiled baby of the family!) God has called me to be at home now, but I don't think it is to prepare me to be a mommy. I think it's b/c He wants me to have this time to develop a closer, intimate, relationship with Him, to learn more about Him, to experience Him, to breathe Him, to taste Him, to feel Him, to see Him.

Thank you so much for praying for me and David. I guess the prayer that I need the most is that I'm content with where God has me right now. The future seems so far away, and I don't know God's timing, but a sweet friend told me to think of it this way... Today I am one day closer! So that is what I try to remember, I'm one day closer to meeting our baby!